3:30 AM jolts me out of bed with a throbbing headache.
I fumble to the kitchen for a glass of something – water, orange juice, seltzer, anything…
Laying back down, my mind drapes itself around the pounding with a curtain of reasons why – my hormones, sugar, the moons position, too much technology, not enough meditation, yada freakin yada.
I fight the thoughts until I see them and than I don’t.
Sensing my breath I search for stillness that lies beneath the migraine.
It has taken me years to head the invitation to go under my physical symptoms as opposed to merely skimming the surface with a simple self-diagnosis.
Lately it’s become impossible to deny my somatizing self; like it or not my emotional body transmutes into the physical and the diagnosis is not found on Google’s search engine (try as I may).
Closing in on 4AM, I seem to have found a place of silence, albeit shaky.
Beyond the thoughts, deep inside my cells, there is space to locate the origin of discomfort.
“What do you need from me?” I ask the throbbing,
Beginning to cry, my head seizes around the pain.
Ah, I see, my heart, she wants to move.
I can’t relax enough to hear her now so I breathe myself back to sleep.
It is not until well into the next day that I am able to find a tender enough foundation for her voice to come through.
And when I do, the tears flow uninhibited.
They are old, very, very old and I don’t feel a need to understand them.
Just like that, the throbbing dissipates.
I’m calm for the first time in over a week.
I internalize this moment as a remembrance to let her speak more often.
They were right, the ones who said the longest journey we will ever go on is into the heart.
Just when I thought I have wept it all away, more sorrow wants to move through.
Our dear sensitive hearts, they are protecting …
Pain that my eating disorder and cycling addictions did their best to mask.
Pain from this lifetime and many lifetimes before.
It’s terrifying, beautiful, ugly and liberating all at once.
Life surfaces this pain for us so that we can flow beyond it and ultimate FEEL more.
That’s the whole damn point.
And it begins and ends in the heart if we are willing to go there.
Heart-speak is a new-ish language for me and I want to share with you what my practice looks like so that you may take what feels aligned.