I roll over to find his side of the bed is empty.
Reaching for my nightstand, I frantically check the time.
It’s early, but it’s late.
Time, forever my foe.
I FaceTime him and see his office in the background. He is at work already.
My heart, it melts.
I move out of camera view so that he won’t see me cry.
I’m devastated that he left without saying goodbye though this is just my sadness wanting to cling onto something tangible.
My ache is far deeper, its origin still unknown 36 hours post-arrival.
Alone now in my warm and empty bed, I swim inside the heaviness.
If I can understand it, I can make it go away.
But alas, my mind is no longer a safe hiding place from my heart.
So I coax myself out from underneath the covers.
I stretch my soar body and search for the soft energy I know resides there.
I pour myself a glass of water and gulp it down.
And another one…
Tears falling all the while.
I glance at the clock on the kitchen stove where my eggs are just about ready.
The time somewhat auspicious given my affinity for ‘threes’.
Relief arrives with the noticing of this familiar number.
Sitting down to eat, the wind rustles the front door as if someone has just entered the house. I feel that they are with me. My angels, the spirits who are helping me expand my capacity to feel into the sadness.
More relief comes with the knowing that I am not alone.
I turn on the stereo, and a song I have been wanting to hear for months magically lands in my Pandora feed.
Goosebumps of synchronicity. Softness brings movement.
My phone buzzes on the mantlepiece above the stereo.
A text from a friend reads: “Stay on your surfboard Kate.”
Chills all over. Oxygen flooding my entire system.
And like that, the sadness, it lifts.
I cry harder though these tears are that of appreciation.
I made it through (with a little help).
And THIS feeling, the one that is coursing through me in THIS moment is the reward.
In the flow, the origin of my sadness is now revealed. Its a message for all of us:
Stay with yourself. Don’t leave yourself, ever. No matter what.
(and oh yes, look for the signs, they are everywhere)